Clearing my mind with the T-Max 100 | Freshly Baked Series
In the following article, I will be talking about workaholism while showcasing the T-Max 100 film recipe. This will be a more personal blog article.
Some days I simply open my eyes and I instantly feel highly stressed. To the point I feel frozen in bed with no motivation to wake up. All because I keep thinking of the things that I have to do.
I have a never ending to-do list, which I keep updating every other day with more items. But one has only so many hours each day, so each morning my brain instinctively chooses to distract itself from the high standard I've put upon myself. I do this by deciding to waste a bit more time laying in bed, getting mentally ready for the day.
Maybe just another bit more time and I will feel ready to take on whatever awaits.
But work or in fact, like any sort of distraction, for example binge watching, doom scrolling, drinking, cigarettes, eating, whatever brings you instant dopamine, is one of our brain's favorite ways of focusing on something else than our own feelings. An easier choice, because feeling is unpleasant and it hurts.
So for me work is a distraction from my inner feelings, and today I opened my eyes, and again, felt the urge to close them back.
'I don't want to wake up.'
There are so many videos I haven't done yet, so many things I could improve on the website, and a never ending process of updating or creating new Sony Film Simulations.
And that is only work related, what about personal life?
It all feels very much overwhelming.
That's how I have been feeling for the past 2–3 years, and now I realize it has to stop.
It became an addiction.
Workaholism.
An addiction which is praised in these days. Work 'till you break a bone, that's the way to success,
but that is such bullshit, because success will not bring me happiness, nor peace nor love.
It will fill up the emptiness inside for a short period of time, after which I have to hunt the next only bring more self hate, more greed, and less time. Working more doesn't give you more, it takes more, and gives less.
Less time spent with friends and family, less experiences & memories, and ultimately less connection and emotions.
We push down our emotions and project ourselves in the future, thinking we'll be successful,
waiting for that moment to come so we can reap the benefits of all the hard work and the sacrifice we've put over the years.
Because we cannot be happy right here and right now.
There's just no way to feel content here and now, we always need more in order to feel comfort and happiness.
Hustle Culture is a lie.
Today I woke up, and I just had to stop, I just couldn't do this anymore.
My hearth ached, It felt like I had a heavy pressure on my chest, and it was hard to breathe.
I knew I had to stop working. Maybe it sounds stupid, but it's not as easy as it seems to make the healthy choice of stopping. But luckily, today I succeeded into forcing myself to take a break, and reflect more on what I feel inside.
So I went out for a walk. Took my camera and rolled in the settings for the T-Max 100. No color, no distractions, no expectations. I've set everything loose. Just taking random pictures in random places, not caring if they come out right, to clear my mind of all these anxieties, and reconnect with myself.
I believe black and white photography is a powerful choice for refocusing our attention on meaning and emotion. By eliminating the distraction of color, it allows us to concentrate on intention, message, and clarity. This timeless medium emphasizes the essence of a subject, inviting us and viewers to engage more deeply with the story being told rather than the aesthetic beauty of it.
Started asking myself, 'Where are my decisions taking me to? Is this the road I want to pursue?'
It was a beautiful foggy morning.
The fog was so thick I could barely see anything in the far distance.
Few people walking around in the mist, probably trying to wake up, they seemed as confused and hazey as I was. The presence of fog always seems to slow down time for me. Everything seems unreal, and it introduces me into a world of dream and wonder.
And just like the present moment, lately in life I felt like walking through a mist, so dense that I couldn't see the answer. I felt lost and hopeless.
So anxiety came by and asked: 'Why I am here?! It's not helping me relax,
actually, instead of wasting time with useless walks, I could be working!'
I felt more anxious and agitated as my mind was crumbling down inside its own maze.
The Ego cannot take a 'no' as an answer, so it will act as a spoiled child,
he knows how to get what he wants.
But not this time!
After pushing a bit longer through the vicious temptations, it all starts to feel loose again.
'It's not so bad after all!'
Suddenly I feel relaxed and joyful. I feel more grounded in the present moment and my body relaxes and all I had to do is to get out and take a simple walk. It took me about half an hour to relax, but it finally happened.
It's interesting how stress can haze your mental perspective, and sometimes the right choice is the counterintuitive one. I felt like I will be able to relax only if everything is done in order. I felt I won't be able to feel at ease only after I finish my work. But work never finds an end. Sometimes a simple walk can calm down the water, while engaging with the same unhealthy habits will only keep us in the same state of being.
So be patient with yourself, remember to take a pause, it might take longer than expected.
But it's definitely worth it.
As the hours passed, the sun emerged and the fog began to lift, just like my thoughts. It felt like a beautiful coincidence, as if the clearing weather mirrored my newfound clarity.
I am sorry if this post was too heavy for some of you.
I think we live in a world where negative emotions are not accepted, so we hide and repress them as much as possible. With this article I hope to normalize these feelings which I believe many feel, but few expose, as our society only promotes happiness and joyfulness.
It's not well seen to feel sad, frustrated, or alone, only happy and joyful.
But I say allow your feelings to come to the surface.
Don't swallow them, notice them as they come, and say hello.
It will hurt, and might make you feel scared, sad, depressed and anxious. And that's ok.
We need these emotions, and they will always be part of us. Either hidden in the shadow or as part of our authentic self.
From what I remember, there was never a day without a night,
and never a year with only continuous summer.
So let's learn how to feel again, how to laugh and how to cry.
It is after all only human to feel.
If you like this recipe, you can find it together with All Sony Film Simulations down below:
I’ve been wanting to have the ability to get quality black and white images straight out of my Sony cameras for years. The instant I saw these photos, I immediately thought that it looks just like my photos I’ve captured on real Kodak TMax with vintage film cameras, and I signed up for your simulation pack. Thank you, and please bring us more black and white simulations!